Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
