my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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