Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
