i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
