Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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