I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
