while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
