just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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