Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
