Your dad touched me again.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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