i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
