I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Will you blow on my dice?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
