sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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