Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
