If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
