pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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