Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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