I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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