If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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