I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
