Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
