Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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