i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
