walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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