Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
