I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize