They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
