Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
