i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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