I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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