oh god the rape fog is back!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
50% drunk capacity currently
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
