was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
