My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
