I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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