I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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