not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
How external is "for external use only"?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
