I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I FOUND THE LEGS
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
