There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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