How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
