her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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