soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
