HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
