Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
