A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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