he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
