is your mom at the bar?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
