if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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