im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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