He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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