trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There r osticjed everywhere
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
