Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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