You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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