listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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