You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
