No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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