I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
