Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
