How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize
