When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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