So drunk its hurt
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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